30 May 2008

Innocence Lost, or Everybody wants some

Well it had to happen sooner or later: I am no longer a virgin. That's right, and just two months shy of my fortieth birthday. My deflowering took place at work and was totally unexpected and unwanted. One minute I am going about my business with my honor intact and the next I was in pain and thinking about what I had lost. Like most first times it involved some tearing, bleeding, and profanity. It was also over before I knew what was going on and I was left flooded with emotions, like shame and regret, and questions. How could this happen to me?! What would I tell my family?! How would god judge me?

In retrospect I guess I really was asking for it. I had just fed the Staurotypus salvinii some pinkies a few minutes earlier when I decided to change out the water in their pond. It seemed the drain was clogged and I reached my hand in to check it (cue the Jaws music). As soon as my hand broke through the duckweed at the surface it was seized by the area between my thumb and forefinger in the piercing jaws of a large female Chiapan Musk. At least it was a female; I aint one of those guys that goes around getting bit by male turtles. Though she didn't recognize the hand that feeds her, she luckily realized I wasn't suitable prey and almost immediately let go. But, the damage was done. I pulled my bloody hand from the water while hurling invective at the turtle in particular and the universe in general.

It is now a week later and all physical evidence of the incident is gone, but the psychological damage remains. Perhaps with time, therapy, and beer I will feel better about it all, but I can no longer claim to have never been bitten by a turtle and that is something I will have to learn to live with. I just know that penetration of my dermis by a turtle's jaws is not for me. You wont catch me with a chicken-blood soaked hand dangling from my kayak or swimming in the springs wearing lace gloves filled with shrimp. I have seen the light. In fact I and am a born-again-bite-virgin.

Seriously, though, while I was a little pissed to get nailed after so many years I did find the incident interesting. I don't know if she saw my shadow coming in, or if she was just below the surface primed to strike. Its enough to know that even if you can't see them, they may be there waiting, watching...moving in for the kill.