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01 April 2006 A Few Good Henchmen I was watching The Venture Bros the other night when it dawned on me what my life has been lacking - HENCHMEN (or, if you must - henchpersons). Motivated individuals to do my bidding, make my Will manifest, and clean turtle ponds. Having henchmen would free me up to do the needed plotting, planning, and drinking. I am more of a big picture guy and just don't have time to deal with police, government agents, and soldiers (AKA henchmen of the state). The idea of having henchmen may sound crazy. After all, I am not wealthy enough to be considered eccentric, or old enough to be written off as a doddering old crackpot. However, I believe henchmen are a prerequisite for successful domination of ones enemies (i.e. anyone that rubs me the wrong way). Don't agree? Then name for me one President, Prime Minister, mustachioed dictator, organized crime boss, or wild-eyed bearded-believer in the One-True-Super-Sky-Daddy that has risen to prominence without henchmen... ...Times up! You can't, can you? Henchmen are a necessity not a luxury. You might be reading this and think to yourself "I don't have what it takes to be a leader, but I think I could make a pretty good follower". Well (insert name here), odds are you would make a damn fine follower. Most people are natural born followers, while others get their follower training at schools, churches, and from television. "Is being a follower like being a henchman?" Not exactly (insert name here), the difference can be summed up by one word: commitment. Followers are just pointless spokes in the wheel of society, while henchmen are pointless spokes in the wheel that crushes my enemies. Henching takes the act of following to the extreme. So, do you have what it takes to be an Empire Henchman? The life of a henchman is not an easy one. The pay is low. Very low in fact. Actually, there is no pay. Turtles are expensive so I operate the henchmen like the privateers of old. You can keep whatever you can lay your hands on - assuming its not already mine. The hours will be long as I have a 38 year backlog of people waiting for their comeuppances. The accommodations are nonexistent. The last thing I want is a bunch of idiot henchmen hanging around when they are off duty. You'll be activated as needed. In addition you will only be known by your number. That allows me to give orders more quickly in the heat of battle and it also allows me to honestly tell the authorities that I don't know a mr/mrs (insert name here). Ah yes, the police. There is a good chance that doing my bidding may cause you to do time in the appropriately named "pokey", also appropriately known as the "slammer". Think of jail time as character building and an opportunity to get a cool tattoo and maybe some legal training. Keep an eye out for god in one of his many forms as he is often found in prison. Beyond that, you may expire in some comically pointless manner, or perhaps I might terminate you myself due to your incompetence. If these eventualities do not concern you and you think you have what it takes: an unshakeable faith in my undeniable greatness, the ability to follow orders no matter how irrational, and a high pain threshold, then you are ready to become an Empire Henchperson. You'll be able to bask in my greatness and be part of something larger than yourself (like my greatness). You'll enjoy a sense of family and esprit de corps as you mete out punishment to my adversaries. You'll get valuable training in the fields of; pond cleaning, turtle feeding, and gophering. You'll also get a cool uniform (still in production -too many sweatshops my ass!) that will drive the girls (and certain types of guys) wild. So Aim High, Accelerate Your Life, and Be All That You Can Be. The Few, The Proud, The Empire Henchpersons. ---> Also accepting applications for the position of Dr. Girlfriend. Empire of the Turtle is an
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